Part 3: Selfish
Before we get to Kays and proposals, let’s go back just a bit. The years adding up to what got me and HP where we are today. I had and have been very selfish. Distracted by all my wants and needs as well as the opinions of others. A flamboyant lifestyle of flashy cars and clothes. Expensive trips and food. An unnecessary amount of video games and electronics. Things that only mattered to me because I thought other people would care. I spent $1000 dollars on a leather Pelle jacket I wore maybe 20 times and only wanted it because everyone in my neighborhood had one, but I had already moved from that neighborhood 2 years prior. I bought tickets to events in other countries and stayed at expensive hotels not realizing that, yeah, all that shit is cool, but what matters is the time spent with the person I’m with. Sure its nice to sleep in a king bed for $500 a night, but she would probably be just as happy in a full for $100. She’s not impressed by this shit because she know’s who I am, so who the hell am I trying to impress? My friends? My family? Her family? Myself? All this nonsense for a life remembered, when the only thing worth remembering or worth anything is her.
“That could’ve gone towards something more important.” It is a phrase HP has used time and time again. If I walked through the door with a package from Amazon, or a video game from Gamestop, or a bag from Macys, I was definitely going to hear that line. I think it started around year 5, her impatience or annoyance with my spending had finally taken its toll and she wanted some sort of commitment. I wanted new sneakers, jeans, dinners at midtown restaurants I couldn’t pronounce. I would try to distract her wanting of a diamond ring with MK watches and purses. Gifts with no meaning other than, take this, be happy, and let me do my thing. I walked passed her vanity room the other day and saw all her MK watches in their boxes covered in dust. They were nice, but they weren’t what she wanted. It’s not that she didn’t appreciate them, but lets be honest, she makes more than I do and comes from a family well off, if she wanted those damn watches, she would’ve gotten them herself. In her mind, they were a waste of money, because they were a waste of time, and I was doing exactly that in her eyes, wasting her time. The thing is, I don’t know why? I loved her, love her, and I couldn’t see her with anyone else. I would die before that happened! So why was I so afraid to commit?
The photo above is my favorite picture of us. I know its weird because its so blurry and it looks like someone took the photo with a toaster, but still I love it the most. Me and HP have 100’s of pictures together doing a million other things, but this night we were at a house party in the Bronx. It cost me nothing. It was the first realization that I had that she didn’t need all the glitz and glamour to be happy and have fun. She was just happy to be in someones apartment, in the projects on East Tremont Ave, with me. Just as happy as she was when I took her to Vegas and spent half the rent on a dinner once. Actually, that dinner made her upset! The point is, I’ve been selfish when I shouldn’t have been and didn’t have to be. I mean, its not like I’m going to stop buying nice things, stop traveling, or I’m going to throw away all my video games…but for her I can take a pause. There are more important things, things that matter. So last year, after I went to the dealership and bought my last over the top item (love my 2018 Grand Cherokee, sorry still a showoff, some habits die hard), I figured the next over the top item would and will be for the person who deserved it the most. Not the guy in the mirror, but the woman always by his side. “Hi, I’m here to purchase an Engagement Ring.”