Stronger than promises, stronger than love
This blog isn’t going to be long. It’s something thats has been on my mind basically all summer. Even at my wedding, I looked into the crowd and realized that someone important was missing. I have lost my best friend again. This isn’t uncommon as in the past I have wrote about his disappearances and reemerging’s, but this time, I think it’s for good. In 2019, I recorded a conversation the two of us had in my kitchen. In that video, I begged, pleaded, and cried to Jay that I needed him here and what he meant to me despite his suicidal attempts. I told him that I could NOT imagine having a wedding without him being there. Jay looked me in the eye and told me that he would do everything in his power to attend my wedding. Shortly after that conversation, Jay was admitted to a hospital for again trying to take his own life. I got married this past August, more than a year AFTER that conversation in my kitchen, and not surprisingly, Jay was not in attendance.
Here’s what I learned from depression: Depression is strong. Stronger than friendship, stronger than promises, stronger than love. Make no mistake, I love my best friend. And I’m sure in some shape or form he loves or has love for me. But that love, it does not supersede sadness. So I’m not saying that Jay didn’t do everything in his power to attend my wedding. In fact, I’m sure he probably did. It’s just in his case, the depression he battles is more powerful. To lose your parents, a close sister, your job, and probably some of your sanity, Jay feels alone. No matter how much you call him, visit, attend to and give attention, in his mind, you will never be able to experience his sort of loss and pain. And for him, as he told me himself, the only way he feels he can cope with that sort of pain is death. That way he can be with his mom and sister and no one here has to worry about him so he wouldn’t feel like a burden
So here lies my dilemma, the problem I am now faced with. Last year I searched and searched for Jay, trying my best to be the best friend, or brother I could be. What I found was a man who looked like my best friend, but on the inside was someone completely different. Sure he gave me hints of his former self, but the years had changed him, and the memories I had of what used to be, this team of kids who ran around NYC together and laughed and joked, those were exactly that, memories. I’ve come to the conclusion that the years had changed me as well. I no longer feel like I have to save Jay. I spent years trying to prove everyone wrong and that who he now was wasn’t a permanent thing. But maybe it is. I haven’t spoken to Jay since June of 2019. Not surprisingly his phone does not work, is social media is inactive, and he doesn’t keep in contact with his family enough for them to give me any information. I even had to take screenshots from the video of our conversation to use for this blog. I’m sure he’s alive and will turn up eventually but as of now, my best friend is missing. The only thing is, he’s been missing for years. Even when he was right in front of me.