“Go home and suck it up…”
Elliana, I hope that one day you read this and realize how brave and how strong your mom is. At 2:30am on a Monday morning, I watched in fear as she screamed and fought for you to be brought into this world without the aid of an epidural or any drugs. She gave birth to you like we were back in the stone ages and modern medicine didn’t exist. The day before, I stood helpless as she cried and complained about her back pain. I drove her to the hospital, just so a nurse could tell her, “You aren’t dilated yet, and there’s really nothing we can do for you, so go home and suck it up…” Their EXACT words. Feeling defeated, I drove to a CVS and got your mom some Icy Hot for her back and some Extra Strength Tylenol for her pain, but nothing worked. Even a trip to Dunkin Donuts (her second favorite thing in the world after you and before me) couldn’t ease her pain. When we got home, she did her best to try and ignore the amount of pain she felt. She rested. Watched YouTube. Cried. I ran her a warm bath and let her soak like they do to pregnant women on TV and in movies, but very little helped her relax. By midnight, she knew what the nurses that morning didn’t, you were coming. And more than anyone else in my entire life, I trusted her. I called that hospital and let them know that we were coming. That YOU were coming.
I fancy myself a decent driver. I once owned a Mustang. Hopefully you can look back at old photos and see just how cool your father was. I loved that car, treated it like it was the Bat Mobile. Your mom on the other hand hated it and fought me on its practicality when I went to purchase it. “It’s not a Family Car.”, she would argue. I wasn’t thinking about a family at that point in my life. Didn’t think I’d ever have you. But like always, eventually, your mom always wins. After 3 years my Mustang was gone and I was now driving a family SUV. At 1am that early Monday morning, I found myself speeding on the highway. I kept wondering to myself how much faster I could’ve gotten to the hospital if I still had my Mustang. We pulled up to the entrance, your mom could barely walk. There was no one on duty but a security guard so he gave me a wheelchair and told me to take you upstairs. Even pushing her in that wheelchair, I kept thinking, this would’ve been so much faster if it were a Mustang…
They admitted your mom, confirming what she already knew, this baby, YOU, were coming. They checked her and said that she was 5 centimeters dilated. Now your mom WANTED to be drugged. She asked for an epidural several times. The nurses all knew it was too late and that we were past her getting any pain relief but they tried to keep her calm, telling her that she would get one when they knew she most likely couldn’t. Then before I knew it they were telling your mom to push. I was still sitting in the corner of the room on my phone and here were these woman, surrounding your mom, telling her to breath and push! I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Then one of the women grabbed me by the arm and brought me over to your mom.
Elliana… I have seen A LOT of disgusting things in my life. A lot of horrible and scary things. Childbirth takes the cake. Anyone who says childbirth is a beautiful experience, they’re pretty much liars. Besides the fact that your mom was screaming at the top of her lungs, the amount of things that came out of her body that night will haunt my dreams forever. Even you, when she finally pushed you out in less than an hour of us being there, you looked like some weird animal covered in slime and blood and I just wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as I could. Not your mom though. She was brave. They asked if she wanted to hold you and without hesitation, she said yes. I guess that was the beautiful part. To see a woman go through what she went through and receiving the prize she worked so hard for. Something she would love and cherish until she was dead and gone. She had never looked so strong to me. I thought I was the fighter. But I had never seen anyone fight like that.
Your mom is a good mommy. A natural mommy. She was afraid that she wasn’t going to be able to breast feed you but in four days, she was a pro at it. She was so afraid to change your diaper but can now change them with one hand. She sleeps maybe 3 hours a night if she’s lucky because you are her main priority. Where ever we go, she sits in the back seat next to you. She washes all your clothes and organized them by size. She looks at you like she’s the proudest woman in the world. And I look at her the exact same way.
Elliana, when you are older, do me a favor and be nice to her. I understand that she will annoy you, bug you, tell you things you don’t want to hear and probably even argue with you. But just know that she loves you. That she would and will do anything for you. And try to remember, that on the night you were born, she screamed and hollered, fought through all of the pain and suffering, just to bring you into the world. And most importantly, she made me get rid of my Mustang, so she could fit a carseat…